The Biggest Slut in South Park
by lizoftheinfinite
Summary: Kenny, Tammy, and Bebe decide to have a competition for the title of Biggest Slut. Crack fic. T for sexual references.


I wrote this because I was procrastinating.

It's my third amazing attempt at humor.

* * *

><p>"I am, without a doubt, the biggest whore in the entire school," Bebe says, slouching back against the lockers.<p>

Kenny and Tammy look at each other, then snort.

It's the middle of lunch, and all the other students are in the cafeteria or out on the soccer fields. The three of them like to hang out together and make sex jokes; they're friends by association, not because of deep emotional attachment.

"What?" Bebe raises her eyebrows. "Do you doubt my slut-dom? Then I shall tell you who I made out with two hours ago before Chemistry. Red. Yes. I made out with her. And I shall remind you that two hours before that I made out with Token. Token and Red happen to be dating each other. Therefore, I am awesome."

"I've still got the high score for the largest orgy," Kenny points out, having participating in an orgy with six other people, all of them college girls. It's one of Kenny's fondest memories.

"And I'm willing to do the most," Tammy points out, reminding them all of The Hamster Incident. The other two nod, conceding.

"Yes," Bebe says, "but I'm bisexual, which gives me automatic plus-five slut points."

"I have several bi friends who would be offended by that," Kenny says, lounging against Tammy. The halls this time of day are empty but for the stray passing student.

"You know it's true."

The other two nod.

"We each have our own strengths," Kenny says. "How must we settle this challenge to our slutdom?"

"With a duel," Tammy says. "A slut duel."

"Indeed," Bebe says, and they all giggle.

"Okay," Kenny says. "The next, uh, four people who walk past. Whoever can kiss the most of them gets the title of Biggest Whore in South Park High. And it has to be a consensual kiss."

"Hey!" Tammy says. "That's not fair. You're the only boy and Bebe and I are both girls. We'll have to split the boys and you'll get all the girls."

Kenny snorts. "A true whore can make anyone switch teams for them, foolish child."

"You just want to see lesbians," Tammy says.

"I do." He doesn't even bother to deny it. "Everyone ready?"

"Ready!"

The three of them stand up and search the halls for the next unfortunate passerby.

* * *

><p>As luck would have it, Henrietta is the first to walk past.<p>

Kenny sidles over to her. "Hey, sweetheart," he purrs out, wrapping an arm around her waist. "Want to get away from all this?"

She stops and stares at him. Then she shoves his hand away. "Get off me!" she snaps out. A cigarette burns in her other hand. It hasn't set off the smoke detectors yet because Henrietta is awesome like that and the author of this fic is too lazy to think up a reason.

"Oh, come on, baby," Kenny says, trying to get another arm around her. "Don't be that way."

Bebe and Tammy roll their eyes.

"Hey," Tammy says. "You want to do something really non-conformist?"

Henrietta rolls her eyes, still pushing Kenny's face away. "What would you conformists know about non-conforming?"

"A lot." Tammy steps forward and cups Henrietta's face. Henrietta's eyes open wide.

Their lips press together for just an instant. When Tammy pulls back, she's smirking.

"Uh . . . lesbians are . . . kind of conformist . . . " Henrietta stammers out, then turns and half-sprints down the halls. The three of them watch her go.

"Hah," Tammy says. "I'm winning."

* * *

><p>Clyde is humming to himself while he unpeels his taco from its tinfoil wrapper. As he passes Ms. King's Math classroom, he sees his ex-girlfriend, Bebe, standing with a couple of her friends. He waves to her. She starts to walk over to him. He stops and smiles at her, wondering what she wants.<p>

"Clyde, baby," she says, "remember good old times?"

"When we were dating?" He can't remember many good old times when they were dating; he can only remember spending lots of money on shoes.

"Yeah," she says, and starts to say something else, but Tammy interrupts her.

"Oh, Clyde, you're such a sweetheart!" She grabs onto his arm and curls up against him. His entire face flushes. "Want to show me your football player muscles?"

And then there's Kenny, who throws and arm around his shoulders, leans in conspiratorially, and murmurs into his ear, "Let's make out."

* * *

><p>The three of them watch as Clyde runs away screaming, his taco forgotten on the ground.<p>

"Tie," Tammy says.

"Tie," the other two agree.

* * *

><p>There are only ten minutes until lunch is over when Craig comes storming down the halls to them.<p>

He stops in front of their group and flips each of them off. Then he crosses his arms and glowers.

"I don't know why Clyde is sobbing like a little baby," he says, "and I don't want to. All I know is that he says you three scared him somehow. And I want you to know that if you ever scare him again, I will fuck you up so badly you won't remember your last names."

He turns and starts to storm down the hallway.

Kenny jumps to his feet and grabs his shoulder. Craig turns back and glares at him with murder in his eyes.

"Let the fuck go of me, McCormick," he snarls. Kenny releases him as if he started boiling.

"Look, Craig, please don't be mad at us," he says desperately. "We're just having a contest to see who can kiss the most people and we might have freaked Clyde out, but it was just fun, so-"

"Kissing contest?" Craig raises his eyebrows. "Who's winning?"

"Uh . . . Tammy."

Craig smirks. "Can't have that, now, can we?" Then he leans forward and attacks Kenny's mouth with his own. The two girls watch in delight as Craig presses Kenny back against the lockers. The two of them make out for several seconds. When Craig pulls back, Kenny is panting hard.

"Here." Craig pulls a pen from his pocket and writes a cell phone number on Kenny's arm. "I have to get to Calc, but call me later, okay?"

He slaps Kenny on the ass then walks away.

Kenny stares after him, his eyes huge.

The two girls cheer.

"Someone's gonna have a boyyyyfriend!" Tammy crows. "Boy on boy! Boy on boy! Boy on boy!"

"Looks like Craig has a crush," Bebe sings out.

"But – but – but –but-" Kenny keeps on staring. "I like girls!"

"So do I, sweetheart," Bebe soothes.

He walks over to the girls and leans against the lockers next to Bebe, sighing heavily. "Um . . . Tammy and I are tied?"

* * *

><p>Bebe feels her stomach drop as her best friend Wendy stomps down the hall, glaring at Bebe.<p>

"You said you'd meet me in Mr. Shimabuku's classroom so we could work on the presentation!" she yells, fists clenches. "What have you been doing all lunch, anyway?"

"Okay, we're tied," Bebe hears Kenny telling Tammy. "Bebe's pretty much out of the running at this point. This is going to decide the winner-"

_No! I'm the biggest slut!_

Bebe lurches towards Wendy, who's still scowling. "You'd better have a damn good explanation," she snarls, and then Bebe grabs her by the collar.

At first Bebe's lips bash against her chin. Then she tries again and manages to smash their lips down on Wendy's. Warmth floods. She shoves Wendy up against the lockers. Dimly, she processes Wendy's hand rising up to shove her away, but then the hand goes down again and Wendy's legs wrap around her hips. Somehow, she manages to stumble into the empty classroom nearby and shut the door before they start to strip.

* * *

><p>Kenny and Tammy stare at the door Bebe and Wendy disappeared through.<p>

Students start to stream past them, opening lockers, chattering amongst themselves. Fortunately, Ms. Kings doesn't have class this time of day and no one barges in on the two of them doing whatever the hell the two of them are doing.

The crowds of students die down. The bell rings, indicating the start of class. Kenny and Tammy keep staring.

"Uh," Kenny says. "Guess we're tied for biggest whore in the school?"

Tammy bobs her head in agreement.

They continue to stare.

"Uh, wanna make out?" Tammy says after a few awkward seconds.

"Sounds good," Kenny says, and they proceed to do so.

* * *

><p>Hooray for lesbians and OOC Crack.<p>

Reviews are love.


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